I met with a prospective client recently who shared her story with me. Her husband has a rare combination of illnesses, including early-onset Alzheimer’s. They have two daughters, and one lives in a house they built for her after her divorce. This daughter works several jobs and does the best she can to be independent, but she still can’t afford to pay rent. The other daughter, divorced with one child, lives in another house owned by the parents. The only “requirement” the parents have put on this daughter is that she pay the taxes and insurance on the home. Unfortunately, she doesn’t even attempt to pay those costs or even try to get a job or make any other attempt to be independent and act responsibly.
Adding to this stressful situation is the husband’s/father’s spending money irrationally due to his cognitive impairment. He likes to get the mail each day, but then he proceeds to send money to the organizations persuasively asking for money.
I would like to think that this situation is not common, but after over 30 years’ counseling in financial planning, I assure you that it is all too common!
You need to ask yourself this question: “Who has the problem?” In the book Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, they describe a counseling session with the parents of a young man who was financially dependent on them.
“They tried everything they knew to get him to change and live a responsible life, but all had failed. He was still using drugs, avoiding responsibility, and keeping questionable company. They told me that they had always given him everything he needed. After they talked for a while, I responded: ‘I think your son is right. He doesn’t have a problem. You do. He can do pretty much whatever he wants, no problem. You pay, you fret, your worry, you plan, you exert energy to keep him going. He doesn’t have a problem because you have taken it from him. Those things should be his problems, but as it now stands, they are yours. Would you like for me to help you help him to have some problems? As it stands now, he is irresponsible and happy, and you are responsible and miserable.’”
Many of you reading this story would tell me that you would have no problem cutting this child off from the gravy train. However, the reaction changes quickly when a grandchild is in the picture. You don’t want the grandchild to suffer as a result of their parent’s negligence.
As hard as it is to actually do, it’s time to take off the training wheels, even if it means the son or daughter is going to fall down. Too often, the financial enabler takes off the training wheels but rushes to put them back on as soon as the child gets in trouble—AGAIN!! I know your child will tell you that it is the last time they will need help, but the odds are high that they’ll be at your door sooner rather than later. Why not come back for more? You’ve caved every other time.
Don’t let your kids use your retirement funds because they are not willing to make the effort to be financially independent. Read Boundaries and be the solution, not the problem!
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